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The Pain of Anxiety


Last night I watched with interest, reality star of TV’s Great British Bake Off, Nadiya open up about her struggle with anxiety. The pain of anxiety is very real.

It was hard hitting and emotional to say the least, and I’m very proud she allowed the TV programme Nadiya: Anxiety and Me to be created, let alone aired.

I’ve long talked openly about my anxiety and by doing so I believe that it’s a way of helping me to control my anxiety. I often state that I’m now ‘managing my anxiety‘ but, last nights TV show caused my eyes to well up at the realisation that, although I think I’m in control of my anxiety, it’s very much the other way around, on a lot of occasions.

The pain of anxiety
The pain of anxiety for Amanda

The Pain of Anxiety

It pains me to realise that anxiety is a MONSTER that I’m continually fighting to keep at bay.

I honestly can’t believe how much I related my experiences to Nadiya’s when she explained how she keeps herself busy with her baking to ‘keep the monster at bay‘.

You will find articles already written by myself that talk about being creative. I create gemstone healing bracelets, and photography as a form of stress relief, and practicing mindfulness.

I think it was at this point of the show that my partner got up and left the room and I wondered if the TV programme was hard for him to watch.

Of course my anxiety levels started ticking as I began overthinking the reason for him leaving. Indeed, it was the first thing on my mind as soon as I woke up. Therefore I asked him why and he told me that the chair was uncomfortable. I will park that comment here as I’m starting to well up.

I’m not a control freak!

The pain of anxiety is the realisation of how I am almost obsessive to the point of having to have MAXIMUM CONTROL, or else fear that something will go wrong.

At the time of writing this, my anxiety has kicked in ten-fold now at the thought of how my anxiety affects Mark, my family and my colleagues at work. I want to scream out that I’M NOT A CONTROL FREAK, and I now wonder if that phrase accurately describes people with anxiety?

Is this why, like Nadiya I hate the thought of catching a train?

Is this because catching a train is something we cannot control as trains are often late or they might not arrive, or I might catch the wrong one?

What if I end up with a stalker?

I was watching this section of the TV show with a smile on my face, as it’s well known that I hate trains and I will avoid travelling on my own.

Please read my article about decatastrophising to read about my experience of CBT and what I said about catching the train.

Keeping the MONSTER at bay

So I ask myself the question, where exactly am I now with my anxiety?

Well, that phrase ‘keeping the MONSTER at bay‘ just sums it up big time, and for those of you who also suffer anxiety, you will know exactly what this means.

I do manage it to a point where I’m going to work everyday and only last week I had to catch the train on my own EVERYDAY! I did feel like a cheat though as I left work early to avoid rush hour in the belief that I would be safer. However, I did it, so I must be managing it, or am I simply in a continual fight to KEEP THE MONSTER AT BAY?

This is my reason for the pain of anxiety is a pain, and now my feelings of anxiety grow at the thought of having anxiety. 🙁

Mental Health Awareness Week 13th to the 19th May

I’ve supported the Mental Health Foundation UK’s MHAW for two years now, and I’ve enjoyed staging events at work to help raise awareness.

It really is essential that WE ALL do openly talk about mental health, because there’s nothing worse that suffering alone.

I find immense relief in realising that I’M NOT ALONE and only this morning from a conversation with my sister about watching Nadiya last night, did we both realise that we both have an obsessive need for control due to our anxieties.


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